50,000 word novel, one month.

Lets do it! It's roughly 1700 words a day. The gist is you sign up, you read the forums, egg each other on, and especially you write. It doesn't have to be good. It doesn't have to be all that coherent. It just needs to be written within the month of November. I can't see myself finishing it without support of people I know getting their write on, so lets do it!


Ouch. Just ouch. I don't get it. She rations out kisses like their precious metals as if she only has 10 to give. I feel as if they're my reward for being exceptionally good. We went to applebees with a few friends, and we all leave. My friends all get in their car and go, and me and Loriana are saying our goodbyes. We're hugging and I goto rub my nose against hers and she goes to kiss me and instead she just puts her face in my shoulder. We stay like that for a minute or two and then I ask if I'll see her tomorrow night(my only other night off), and she has plans. Alright. Well I goto kiss and her and she pulls away. "I already tried kissing you once tonight." Seriously? "yeah I already tried." What? "I'll give you a kiss on the cheek." Uhm okay... And she does and I walk to my car stunned. I don't understand. Seriously? Does she just not want to? She has no desire to kiss me? She just does it to pacify me cause it's expected her? Is this how she'll be about all signs of affection? All acts of affection? All desire? I just don't understand.

When I tried to break it off a few weeks ago, she was pissed off. She said a few things that rang slightly true, and she said that I give up too easily. And I so do that, I've broken off some amazingly awesome relationships(Amy, if your reading this, your definitely among these!) way too quickly cause the honeymoon wore off, I got scared, or other stupid stupid reasons. So I'm trying to stick it out and get past that stage, but... Really is that what I'm doing again? I just don't get it. How can you not want to kiss someone after three months? Shit. I'm a freaking make-out whore. We havn't even made out yet. We've slept together(literally, not carnally), but ... Seriously? No tongue?

I can't do this, and I want to do this even less.

Broke it off. I'm way too affectionate, and she's way not affectionate. Oh well. I just want to make out for the sake of making out. It's not too high of an order!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.


Girl isn't done.

I think I'm going to teach high school math as opposed to English. Kinda screws me up in that some of my pre-reqs are completely useless, and I won't be able to attend Nevada State College anymore. Unlv is double the price. Grr. It has to be done. I'm not sure graduation by 30 is possible.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.


So I won't bother with the beginning of the story, because it doesn't matter. And two, I don't even know what it is. But I do know the end. I know the end well.

I want someone to give themselves to me fully and completely. I want someone to trust themselves with me fully and completely. I need that. I deserve that. And every decent person I've ever known deserves that.

And she said, "I will never, ever, give myself to anyone freely and completely."

I think you will. I think eventually you will because you deserve that. They deserve that. So you have to work tomorrow, and I have class tomorrow. So goodluck. Good night.

She said, "I will never, ever.... Good night. Bye bye."

Next morning appendum:
She has some trust and intimacy issues she definitely needs to work out if she is ever to have the family and life she talks about wanting. I'd like to think I could struggle with my patience and have more of it, and give her the time and patience that she needs. But I don't think she sees herself as having a problem. And for me to think that I could somehow change her is absurdly foolhardy and just plain stupid. You take people as they are, and hopefully you'll naturally change together. But you don't base a relationship on changing someone. You, I absolutely do not. So that is that. Next(Hopefully won't take as long as the last)

Final verdict... Don't waste your money. The sent me one retouch which was barely better... And I asked for some more corrections... They got 2/3.. Yeah. 10$ premium retouch.. Before... Photobucket After... Photobucket .... Pfft

So I had my most expensive date ever. Actually, I think I came close to spending more money on this one date than I've ever spent on any girl. My excuse to her was "belated birthday." She turned 25 on April 10th, but she spent that in Bellingham with her family. Really, I kinda just have a lot of pent up "must spoil someone," and it was one of those things where, well I'm already going this far so might as well...

I wore charcoal jeans, a green button up shirt, and a charcoal waistcoast with my pocket watch of course. I picked her up at 6:30, and she wore a turquoise dress, and she had a white flower in her hair. She looked amazing, and I kinda meant to say so when I saw her(assuming that she would have course). But it just seemed intrusive and too cliche. We ate at a restaurant called Casa Di Amore. I had never been there before, mostly because it seemed so cheesy, but I was given a few recommendations for it. The atmosphere was amazing. They had pictures of now gone Vegas casinos and other relics of the past. It was smallish and very quaint. I ordered roasted peppers with cheese for an appetizer and it was excellent. She had a chicken caprese which looked amazing. I had a linguini with clams which was so so. And the service was horrible. In her defense, she did end up helping another server with a rather large table, but that's no excuse for ignoring us.

So after that, we drove to New York, New York. When I went there earlier to pickup the tickets from will call in advance, I timed the distance from the theater to the parking garage and to valet. I also stuck the tickets in the glove box, so that I wouldn't forget them at home. So we valet'd, and since we were so early we kinda walked the wrong way anyways. I never told her what show we were going to see, but she said she had a guess. Self consciously, she wouldn't tell me her guess until she knew what show it was. So we went to the bar, and we must have passed 20 signs that mentioned Zumanity. We ordered our drinks and the bartender asked about our plans, and he asked if we're going to see the show. I said, "We're going to see it, but she still doesn't know what it is." He blurts out, "She doesn't know what Zumanity is?" Grr, dumb ass. It was very funny at least. It turned out she thought we were going to see Phantom of the Opera which I previously told her I wanted to see. And I had her watch the movie. She thought I was making her watch the movie in preparation. And I thought since I already made her watch the movie, I should take her to a show she said she wanted to see. Oh and one last thing for that, I forgot the tickets in the glove box. Yup, we definitely should have used the garage. Oops.

So the show itself was excellent. We walked in with the crowd as soon as the doors opened, and it was very welcome to do so. The pre-show banter was absolutely worth it and kinda essential from a value standpoint(Tickets were 90ish for a front section). We bought giant 32 ounce drinks at the show bar. They weren't too absurdly priced surprisingly. The skits and the acrobatics and the dances were all excellent. There weren't too many surprises or misses. There was one segment that seemed to be trying too hard to be sensual, but that was definitely the only semi-low point. And as interesting as the show, Loriana's responses were classic and amazing and oh so cute. She is so proper. There was plenty of shocked and omg they didn't looks. Completely awesome. If you're only going to see one Cirque Du Soleil show, I'd still recommend O over this one, but this was still a great show.

When I dropped her off, we had a little bit of a conversation about "us". It didn't quite go as well as I would have liked, and kinda just reinforced my normal opinion of such conversations being fully unnecessary. She actually shares my normal boyfriend/girlfriend thing of a label that others kinda just throw on you. But she makes me feel so insecure which is why I kinda thought I had to bring it up. I'm still not sure how I feel about that. I need to trust myself as much as I usually do. I can see long term potential here with her. And I told her that what I want is the long term potential. I don't need anything to be serious, but if she ever realizes that I definitely could not be a part of her future to let me know. I don't want to pursue a just for now relationship, a fling, or anything else just for kicks type of thing. I feel so old.

We had someone take a photo of us after most people left the theatre... I tried fixing it, but I failed miserably(Did brighten it up a little). So I tried using fixmyphoto.com ... I'll post the new one once they finish with it.

(no subject)
I feel the jungle fever kinda badly right now.

I feel as if my biological clock is ticking. I know. I know. I'm a dude. We don't have those biological clock doohickeys. Sow our seed everywhere we can, until we roll over dead. That's the clock, that's the plan, that's the purpose. Ready, set, go! But that's how I feel. I want kids want day. I don't want them now, but I kinda want them to be in the game plan. I want to eventually have them. And I don't want to be a single parent. I want to have a partner in this game called life. And I want to see some of the world, and I want to go on roadtrips. And I generally want to have fun. I want to have the kinda fun only retired people have, and I want it to be while I'm still young enough to enjoy it. I want to be young enough when my kids are old enough to drink that I can go hang out at the "hip" bar and have fun. I want to have both. I want the girl with kids in the future and fun to be had now. I want to be in a relationship with someone who has potential. Maybe we won't make it and that's a shame. Cause earlier is really preferred, but that's because I don't want to be forced into that potential... Does that make sense? I felt so much more coherent when I started writing this.

Facebook deactivated
It feels like a crutch that I spend entirely too much time on. I check it at every light. I glance at my phone every 10-30 minutes to see if there is an update from anyone. I whine passive aggressively at noone and everyone at the same time. I don't have any amazingly ridiculously trivial updates, but the are entirely too trivial. I feel like I'm begging for a connection in some way that I don't even understand. So I deactivated it. It's not permament. As soon as I log in, it reactivates. But I deactivated it, and I erased it from my quickbar and my iPhone. It feels so amazing to be free.

So... Two, years agoI voluntarily repossessed my Mazda cx-7... Roughly two years ago... I was paying $595 a month for a payment and 200 a month in insurance. I still owed 26,000... I had 10,000 in credit card debt.. And I had my motorcycle owing 8,000... So I was 44,000 in debt altogether.. And I was making my payments, and I had some fun money. But I wasn't making any headway. I making minimums and nothing more... And I didn't particularly like that car sad to say. So I repoed it. It got 13 at auction... So I owed 13.. It's now down to 4,000... My bike is also down to 4,000... And my credit card debt is gone. I should finish paying off the car and the bike first... But I've been riding my bike for two straight years as my sole form of transportation.. And I just don't want to do it anymore. So I most probably likely will be buying...
I havn't test driven it yet.. It's being shipped from Tuscon. 2005 Mini Cooper Convertible. It's 1000 under blue book from carmax. Payment of 260.. with insurance of roughly 90 month. I'm so very stoked. I've wanted a mini for a very very very long time. Actually it's the car I should have bought when I bought the mazda which was a purchase that got quite out of hand. So yes... After two years of being carless, it is about time.


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